“…the biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature. To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail.” – prominent creation-focused ministry, Answers in Genesis
“But, but – MY Bible doesn’t say anything about unicorns!!!”
Calm down – that’s the point! Depending on which Bible translation you choose to read, you may not find unicorns mentioned in this story. Your bible might say “ox” or “ram.” This is just a silly example of how much of the Bible has been misunderstood, altered, and shaped by “scholars” throughout history based on wildly inaccurate translations from Hebrew and Greek, further confused by “modern day” Latin, or… English. (For those of you searching your Bibles, one translation that still includes ‘unicorns’ in this story is the KJV – Isaiah 34:2-8.)
Unfortunately, as is the case of Answers In Genesis – some literalists do anything they can to PROVE that the Bible is inerrant by cramming the unicorns back in there – after everybody else has been trying to pull them out because of the obvious misunderstandings due to the mystical interpretations of the one-horned beasts in more modern tales. Though, to many literalists, every verse, character, animal, and murder in the Bible is 100% true – the Bible says so. (Or, at least the particular translation the reader chooses to believe as the one true Word on any given week.)
While it might not seem like a big deal for scholars and scribes to fiddle with an obscure subject like unicorns in the Old Testament, what about the striking difference between Jesus’ “compassion” and “anger”? Shouldn’t there only be one “truth”? Who gets to decide what the Bible says? AIG? You? Me? Pat Robertson? Rick Warren?
Now, in case you are stuck on the translation of “unicorns” in certain Bibles, I’d suggest that it’s irrelevant and not the point of this illustration. Of course the Bible isn’t actually referring to mystical/mythical beasts of literary imagination. However, the real reason we bring this story up is to ask the question: one horn, two horns – why does God feel the need to slaughter any innocent animals who have done nothing wrong in the first place? Only sociopathic children who grow up to be mass-murders take the defenseless family puppy behind the house with a hammer in order to feel their mighty power. Indeed, the common Christian response would be something along the lines of, “God is the creator. The giver of life. He needs no justification for taking life.”
Is this not the type of thing an insane serial killer would assert from the witness stand for his crimes? Yet… billions bow at bended knee to worship Him. Well, if I believed there was a self-righteous serial killer in the sky, I might bow down as well. Fortunately, I’ve grown out of such superstitions.
Uncomfortable Conclusions: According to the Bible, whether a “wild ox” or a mythical horse, scripture makes it very clear that God killed the unicorns. According to the most commonly held modern Christian interpretation of the “Holy Trinity”- Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – Jesus is God. (As Jesus himself said, “Before Abraham was, I am.” and “I and the Father are one.”)
Therefore, well… Jesus killed the unicorns!
Don’t worry folks – if you’re sad to find out that there weren’t really mystical unicorns in the Bible, there’s always the talking serpent, talking donkey, talking bush, and magical fish to keep you dreaming. 😉
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Remember: Don’t blame us, it’s in the Bible!
This illustration and commentary can be found in:
Awkward Moments (Not Found In Your Average) Children’s Bible – Volume #1.