Well, what can I say? This is one of the more disturbing passages of scripture out there, and it took me a long time to figure out how to illustrate the narrative appropriately. For just two verses, it says a lot…

With the first line – uhm, 50 pieces of silver? That’s it? What about all of this stoning and “eye for an eye” justice that The Bible is so well known for?

With the second line – WAIT A SECOND!!! She has to marry her attacker?

Ahh yes, now I understand all of those times I’ve heard pastors speak of God’s tough love, “Only a loving father would act this way!” Well, God must have great plans for these poor defenseless victims, just wanting to toughen them up for…???

Or, maybe it’s really just his plans for the father who clearly needs the money for a new plasma TV. After all, the Bible has made it pretty clear of God’s stance on women.

I’m not a pedophile, but if I were – I’d be a Christian pedophile, because this sounds like a great deal to me… Even better – I might get into sex trafficking, because – I just KNOW that I could earn my 50 pieces of silver back within a couple of days with one of these sweet young things!

God, Our Father – only a loving father would sell his 8 year-old daughter to a pedophile in a white van.

The women should keep quiet in the churches, for they are not authorized to speak, but should take a secondary and subordinate place, just as the Law also says. But if there is anything they want to learn, they should ask their own husbands at home, for it is disgraceful for a woman to talk in church  - 1 Cor. 14:34-35

Well, what can you say? No, I guess the question is to women: What can you say?

James Scott from the Orthodox Presbyterian Church (OPC) tried to put his spin on this troubling bit of scripture (that simply summarizes about 30 other verses on the Bible about how wicked, stupid,  or worthless women are). I’m sorry – I’m not buying it. Let’s take a look at another verse from a different book of the Bible…

“When a woman is learning, she should be quiet. She should follow the leaders in every way. I do not let women teach. I do not let them have authority over men. They must be quiet.” -  1 Tim 2:11-12

This passage goes on to remind the reader that it was the woman (Eve) who was stupid enough to fall for the old talking-snake-forbidden-fruit trick. A man would never be that dumb, right? Though, I guess remaining in an eternal “time-out” isn’t the worst punishment for eating an apple that destroyed the world…

Let’s take a look at the conclusion provided by Mr. Scott in summary at the end of his own article, “May Women Speak In Church?”.

“The Bible teaches that women are not to speak in church. The fact that our society is in rebellion against the biblical teaching regarding women does not make the Bible obsolete; it makes us who adopt the world’s values shameful and dishonoring to the Lord.” – James W. Scott

Wow. I guess I have to agree with Mr. Scott’s analysis of the Bible, at least. The message is pretty clear to women: You are welcome to come to church, but please keep your pretty mouths shut!

Please join the discussion here and share your thoughts here, or on Facebook.

“Jesus noticed a fig tree beside the road. He went over to see if there were any figs, but there were only leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” And immediately the fig tree withered up.” – Matthew 21:19

Little Freddy Phelps and his tribe over at Westboro Baptist Church have it all wrong – and it looks like it all comes down to a simple matter of illiteracy (or maybe dyslexia)!

It’s FIGS that God hates – not (the hate-filled slang term for homosexuals.) Actually, Jesus was apparently a huge fan of figs. So much so that he just got angry with a fig tree that wouldn’t make fruit. So, he killed it… Naturally. (I mean – who wouldn’t? Right?)

Though, I’ll admit – as much as I can’t stand Fred Phelps or what his “people” stand for, a Christian friend recently made a great point: It’s people like Phelps who remind us all (atheists, christians, muslims, democrats) how fine the line is between having convictions and being bat-sh*t crazy! So, for that, Fred – we thank you!

I have so much to say on this issue that I’m not sure where to start. Well, for now – I’ll just let the image do the talking…

Happy Easter, Everybody!!!

If you’ve been to church on Easter in the last 50 years, you’ve probably heard the pastor call out, “He Is Risen”, with the congregation expected to answer, “He Is Risen, Indeed!”

I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with chanting anything in a monotone voice, as it reminds me of zombies walking the streets with their eyes rolled back in their heads. And, I’ll admit – this got me thinking about zombies…

This illustration is dealing with two separate (but related) sections of scripture to illustrate the point!

The guards shook for fear and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid; for He is risen! Go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead! And they left the tomb quickly with fear. ~ Matthew 28 4-8

 

There was an earthquake! It split rocks and opened tombs – leaving many of the dead to roam the streets of the holy city, seen by several people. ~ Matthew 27: 51-53

He Is Risen!
(Run for your lives….)
He Is Risen Indeed!”

Sorry folks, a zombie is a zombie…

Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you.  Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.  For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink!” – John 6:53-55

Growing up in the church, and spending the majority of my life involved in ministry, it wasn’t until I had to explain the act of Communion to my own children that I was forced to take a step back and really think about what it looked like to “outsiders”.

“Drink his blood? That’s gross!” cowered my daughter (9)

“Eat his body? Which parts?”, my son asked. (8)

Their questions might seem childlike and naive. But, I had to take a step back and think, “Wait a second, if I wasn’t raised in the church, drinking kool-aid and eat saltines at communion since I was 5 – what would I think of this act?”

John Piper (Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis) is not a fan of the “prosperity” Gospel. Yay – We agree on something!

But then, he goes on to say…

I’ll tell you what makes Jesus look beautiful: It’s when you smash your car and your little girl goes flying through the windshield and lands dead on the street! And, through your pain, you say, “God is enough! He is good! He will take care of us! He is my treasure!” – John Piper

Don’t get me wrong – I get what Mr. Piper is trying to communicate here (I used to write similar content for blogs, etc…). But, really – are Christians supposed to feel less Christian (or guilty) for not praising the all-powerful God after He kills their kid?

How is this any less kool-aid crazy than the 2011 Doomsdayers who sold all of their possessions (and burned their savings) because they just knew that God was going to take them “home” on May 21.

If I came around the corner to a scene of an accident where a father was standing over his dead little girl, saying, “God is enough! He is good! He is my treasure!” Well – I’d hope that he was simply in shock.

Maybe it wasn’t that Jesus likes being “good” or “enough” or “treasure” to his followers. Maybe what actually makes him happy is the actual kid – dead on the road… Consider these verses (from the NEW Testament):

Jesus answered them, “Honor your father and your mother; and, the one who speaks evil of father or mother must be put to death! Matthew 15:3-4

 

“You get rid of God’s command so you won’t be inconvenienced in following the religious fashions! Moses said, ‘Respect your father and mother,’ and, ‘Anyone denouncing father or mother should be killed!’ Mark 7:9-10

 

“But as for these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slaughter them before me.” – Luke 19:27

I totally understand what John Piper was trying to communicate related to the difference between prosperity and suffering for Jesus – but I also think it’s a perfect example of the FINE line between being an obedient christian and being a bat-sh*t crazy lunatic… Every time I see this clip, all I can think of is the congregation “crowd surfing” the dead girl’s body while chanting, “God Is Enough! He Is Good!”….

“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. On the way some boys came out of the city and made fun of him. They said to him, “Go up too, you baldhead! Go up too, you baldhead!” Elisha turned around, looked at them, and put a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two mother bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys to pieces.” – 2 Kings 2:23-24

Moral of the story – balding men are people too! Apparently, cranky people with little patience for hooligans and a direct line to God’s vigilante bear warriors.

Word to the wise: You had better watch what you say about Howie Mandel from now on… Though, I can’t imagine a lot of angelic warrior bears hanging out around auditions for America’s Got Talent.

I had actually always thought of this verse in dealing with literal bears, as earlier translations did not specifically refer to “mother” or “female”. Did some Bible translator really get nervous that people might mistake the passage to be referring to cuddly, hairy, gay men coming out of the woods to “tear the boys to pieces”? Seems like a funny edit to me, but – I guess only God knows…

I don’t have much else to say on this one, other than it gives me the opportunity to share my most-favoritist 90 seconds of television. Ever.

(Taken from season 4 of “Six Feet Under”.)

It may seem odd to have me, a guy who spends his day poking fun at the Bible, defend it. But – well, somebody has to stand up for the sanctity of… something… Right? (Disclaimer: I am not a fan of stock car racing culture either…)

So – here it is: The “Stock Car Racing Edition Bible“ from Zondervan Publishers.

What is the point of this Bible? Was there a lot of stock car racing in Biblical times? How many chariot races could there have possibly been (for the Bible translators to work from, in order to add that kind of excitement to the pages)?

Or, did they simply focus on the culture. I mean, there was a lot of in-breeding, drunkenness, wife beating, gambling, and pointless deaths in the Bible. Was it simply a way to bring comfort to all of Dale Earnhardt’s fans that he is in a “better place” now? Is this just there way of connecting with a natural audience? Or, is it simply about - making money?

For years, I actually worked in the Christian world (non-profit and business), and I can’t tell you how many times products like this came across my desk (and into the trash).  Zondervan advertises this special edition Bible as “featuring commentary and testimonies from some of racing’s most famous names, as well as full-color action photos of some of racing’s most famous faces.”

Let’s be clear: the idea of NASCAR in heaven is a complete oxymoron! (If there is some great oval track in the sky – I’m out!)

Also of note: Zondervan also bought BibleGateway.com from a non-profit a few years ago. Is it any surprise that the site (aka The Bible) is now littered with cheesy banner ads? I mean, I get that the ads are for Christian health insurance, or a Christian game on Facebook, but – really? I mean, advertising on the Bible, in the Bible? Really?

“Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!” – John 2:13-17

What’s next? Domino’s Pizza and Oil Change coupons inserted into actual printed Bibles? To be clear – Zondervan is a huge publishing company owned by the even huger (sic) Harper Collins. Back when BibleGateway was run by a ministry, there weren’t any ads on it (which could have gone to support the non-profit), so – why now? Why can’t Zondervan run the site for “free”, simply underwriting the operating expenses from their publishing revenues?

Sheesh… It’s one thing to add verses to invent the “trinity” or soften verses to be less offensive to women and minorities, but this just seems wrong – doesn’t it?