Biblical Bear Attack!

Elisha Bear Attack - Awkward Moments Bible

Nobody taught Elisha the “sticks and stones” rhyme? Try reading this one to your youngster at bed time. No, really – be sure to go into detail of how bears in the wild maul their victims.

Okay, okay – I’ll admit, I’ve always thought of this verse in dealing with literal bears. However,  many newer translations refer explicitly to “she-bears” or “mother bears” while various earlier translations do not. Did some hip Bible translator really get nervous that people might actually mistake the passage to be referring to the slang for cuddly, hairy, gay men coming out of the woods to “tear the boys to pieces”? Nervous enough that they assigned a gender to the bears?

In truth, I just thought it was a fun illustration to go with the phrase “tore the boys to pieces” (said with a lisp, of course). But really, this story is just one of the most bizarre in the Good Book. What were these boys doing? Were they stunned into a helpless buffet line by Elisha’s curse? Or, were the bears actually the 1985 Chicago Bears?

Moral of the story – balding men are people too! Apparently, cranky bald people have little patience for hooligans, as well as a direct line to God’s vigilante bear warriors! You had better watch what you say about Howie Mandel from now on. Though, I can’t imagine a lot of angelic warrior bears hanging out around auditions for America’s Got Talent. Well…